I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
