Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
