My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
