I understand Curling. That high.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
