Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
organizing the empties. That sober.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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