Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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