Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
