The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He shit in the fireplace
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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