My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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