i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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