Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
foreskin is a definite game changer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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