my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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