Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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