God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
