Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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