i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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