he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
