my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
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