God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
