I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
