i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
