just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
