Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
