i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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