I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
