The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
