I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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