im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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