I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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