I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
