Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
