Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
