You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
