Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
