I skipped work to stalk him.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
