I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
