I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
