I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
