i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
