i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Randomize
