So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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