Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
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sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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