I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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