Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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