Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
