I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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