if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
