I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize