why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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