is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
