You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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