If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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