I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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