Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
