I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
