I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
