I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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