i think my tv is drunk
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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