I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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