I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
