Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
