at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
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How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
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he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night