Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
